God save the queen
by adwkokos
Summary: CRACK FIC! Luxord is the queen of Britain, Xemnas is transsexual, Axel burns stuff, Roxas is pregnant and so on. AkuRoku, Zemyx, CloudLeon, SoRiku, Marxene, HaynerSeifer, Yuffentine and lots of others. M for language, voilence, character deaths, sex.
1. Chapter 1

**God save the queen**

**Chapter 1**

"What do you think would happen if we ever met our Somebodies?" Roxas said to his boyfriend, Axel.

"Can I set mine on fire?" the redheaded pyromaniac asked with a hopeful expression.

"NO!" Roxas said angrily. "How many times do I have to tell you? The only things you can set on fire are candles, logs and Marluxia's flowers."

"But Roxas," Axel complained. "That is so boring. I…"

"QUIET EVERYONE!"

Everyone's heads turned to towards the end of the room, where the queen, Luxord, was seated on his throne. It was quite funny how most of the world thought Elizabeth II was the queen of Britain, and that Buckingham Palace was the royal palace, when the queen was in fact Luxord, and the royal residence was Castle Oblivion.

"Good morning, servants," the queen said.

"Good morning, queen Luxord," the servants replied in unison and curtsied.

"How are you all feeling today?" every morning the queen would ask that question, before pointing at every servant, one by one, and the person pointed at would tell him how he felt.

This is what the servants told him:

Zexion: "You ought to know that I'm feeling very depressed."

Demyx: "A bit ditzy, your highness."

Mansex: "Like a woman." The silver-haired transsexual adjusted his ornate pink dress.

Larxene: "Angry, you highness. Marluxia tried to give me flowers again."

Marluxia: "Dejected because my girlfriend doesn't want my flowers." Flowers were one of the many recurring themes of Larxene and Marluxia's arguments.

Sïax: "Fine."

Vexen: "Fine."

Larxaeus: "Fine."

Xaldin: "Confused. What day is it?"

Xigbar: "Horny."

Axel: "I want to set something on fire."

Roxas: "A bit nauseous, you highness, but otherwise fine." Unconsciously he put a hand on his stomach. He smiled to himself when he thought about his little secret.

Tidus: "I feel like I'd rather be playing blitzball than standing here." The blonde had a tendency to speak without thinking, and he should be very grateful that queen Luxord was not easily offended.

Fuu and Pence: "In love."

Selphie: "Happy."

Rikku: "Currently quite happy, but my need for sugar is growing rapidly."

Yuffie: "Like I want to kick someone's butt." Yuffie was even worse than Tidus when it came to watching her mouth.

Seifer: "I'm good."

Hayner: "In bed?" he raised an eyebrow at Seifer. "Anyway, I'm happy. A bit sore though. What can I say? Seifer and I didn't get much sleep last night."

The rest of the servants laughed at Hayner's remark. Even the queen snickered a bit before pointing at the next person.

Riku: "You're pointing at me. Huh? Oh, right. That means I have to answer something. You've asked a question, haven't you?" The boy giggled a bit. He was obviously about as high as the top floor of the Empire State Building. Queen Luxord told him what the question was. "Oh," Riku said. "In that case, I feel… I feel… Um, what was the question again?"

Sora: "Don't care about Riku, he's been smoking. You should, however, care about me, because I am very, very, very, very, very hungry."

Reno: "I feel very eager to see what this new day will bring." A few people snickered.

Cloud: "Not much. A bit worried."

Leon: "Don't want to talk about it."

Vincent Valentine: "To be honest, your majesty, I feel quite amused."

**-------**

**I can't believe I've actually started writing a crack fic. It's fun, though. This story will have no plot whatsoever, but lots of insanely silly and pointless situations. Next chapter will be a lot longer, I think.**

**To clear up a few things: Mansex is Xemnas if there was anyone who didn't understand that (I love anagrams. I'm going to write a Tidus/Selphie story called "stupid headlines" because that is an anagram for "Tidus and Selphie"). Luxord is not a woman, even though he is the queen. The only people who will show up in this story apart from the queen and his servants are Kairi and Rinoa (OMG, I can't wait to start bashing them. I might even let them die a slow and painful death. Or maybe they should just fall of a cliff). I will insist on writing "Vincent Valentine" instead of just "Vincent", I don't know why. I realize that it is strange that Roxas talks about what if they met their somebodies when he and Sora live in the same castle, but he doesn't know that Sora is his somebody. Reno is Axel's somebody, by the way. Yep, I snuck in a little quote from Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy. I thought that since Zexion is everyone's favorite little emo-kid, he has to act depressed, and who better to imitate than Marvin? Marluxia is a girl. She's not a transsexual like Mansex, she's a girl. Her and Larxy are lesbians, and Larxy's the butch. Fuu and Pence are a couple. WTF? I know, it's so weird it's almost a bit scary, but I wanted one really, really absurd pairing, as this story contains many of my favorite couples, couples that aren't really unusual at all. Sora is always hungry. He, Selphie, Yuffie, Rikku, Hayner and Tidus are the most sugar-high group of best friends EVER. Leon and Cloud are ANGsty with a capital "ANG". Riku smokes a lot. Crack, pot, opium, socks, Marluxia's flowers, whatever. **

**Cookies for anyone who can guess what Roxas' secret is!!!**


	2. Chapter 2

**God save the queen **

**Chapter 2**

"Good morning servants," queen Luxord said cheerfully from his throne. "I would like to inform you that some very special guests are arriving today."

"_Guest?_" Reno whispered to his best friend, Axel. "_Crap. Remember last time? The queen was angry with us for weeks!_"

The last time guests had come to visit Castle Oblivion, Axel and Reno had "accidentally" put the prince of some far-off country on fire.

"_Don't cry, Reno,_" Axel whispered back. "_It was worth it, wasn't it?_"

Reno smirked. "_Yeah, it was._"

"The princess Rinoa of France, and her wife Kairi, a British noblewoman, will be staying here for two weeks. Miss Kairi is the daughter of a dear friend of mine, so I expect you all to take good care of her and princess Rinoa." He sent a stern look in the direction of our beloved redheads. Axel poked Reno and let out a small laugh, which earned him a punch in the shoulder from his very annoyed-looking boyfriend.

"Gee, Roxas," Reno said. "What's up with you? So grumpy. What are you, pregnant or something?"

"As a matter of fact," Roxas replied in his most dignified tone. "I am."

-

"So… guests, huh?" Riku said. He was sitting on his bed watching Sora search their room for any kinds of drugs. Said brunet had decided that Riku was never smoking anything again. Well, he could dream.

"Yes," Sora said. "Guests."

"Who are they?"

"Don't you ever pay attention?"

"Nope. You knew that, didn't you sweetheart?"

"Yes, honey, I knew that. The guests are princess Rinoa of France and her wife, Kairi."

"Kairi? That sounds familiar. Do I know her?"

"Well, last time she was here you stole her drugs."

"Drugs?"

"Yes, Riku, drugs. You know, the kind of substance that you are never ever using again."

"I'm not? Why?"

Sora sighed and turned to his boyfriend. "One, because it is a vile substance that turns even the most respectable men into complete scoundrels. Two, because… Because… Well, it's bad for you."

Riku just nodded and pulled one of Marluxia's flowers from his pocket. He had just found his lighter in the other pocket when his boyfriend realized what was going on.

"Riku!" Sora exclaimed. "You are so not smoking that flower!"

"Why not?"

"Because you are quitting!"

"I am?"

"Yes! And anyway, that's Marluxia's flower and you know she hates it when you steal her flowers."

Riku sighed and put his arms around Sora. He gave the brunet a please-don't-be-angry-with-me-sweetheart-look and tried to kiss him. Sora considered fighting, but he gave up and kissed Riku back.

-

When Kairi and princess Rinoa arrived there were three servants waiting for them at the door.

"Good morning miss Kairi. Good morning princess Rinoa," Selphie said and curtsied. "May I take your coats?"

Rinoa stared at Selphie with a confused look. "Whot deed you zay?"

"Your coat, mademoiselle, shall I put it away for you?"

"My côt? Poot eet away? Ah, oui! Merci," Rinoa said and handed her coat to the brown-haired servant.

"You don't speak very much English, princess?" Rikku asked. Selphie stuck her elbow in the blonde's side, but kept her mouth shut. Rinoa looked at the girls with a confused look. She turned to Kairi and said: "Ces anglais stupides. Je ne comprends pas un mot!"

"Elle dit: 'Vous ne parlez pas beaucoup anglais, princesse?'"

Fortunately queen Luxord showed up before the third servant, Yuffie, could make some remark or other about French. Both Kairi and the three servants thanked the lord or whomever they believed in, in Yuffie's case that would be Matt Bellamy, that the queen was pretty much fluent in French.

Rikku and Yuffie left Selphie with the guest and went to do something more important. Like making out in an empty room somewhere.

-

"What do we do if Vincent or Selphie find out about us?" Rikku asked when they broke apart for a bit of air. The blonde was always worried that her girlfriend might find out. Yuffie wasn't very worried at all, she had a feeling that Vincent Valentine already knew. She also had a feeling that her boyfriend's relationship with Reno was way past just friendship.

"They won't find out. Selphie's too busy raiding the kitchen for anything containing sugar, or glomping people. Dear Mr. Valentine already knows, I think, but he doesn't care. I don't think he's exactly faithful himself. Now are we going to continue or what?"

Seemingly satisfied, Rikku ripped off Yuffie's t-shirt and bra. Yuffie responded by pulling down the blonde's skirt, and before they knew what was going on it had all turned into the normal competition. Who could undress the other first?

-

"For heaven's sake Zexi, would you stop sulking?" Demyx glared at his boyfriend.

"I think I have the right to sulk. Everyone hates me, the world is going to hell in a hand basket, you're to busy being angry with Axel who stole your bloody teddy bear to care about me, we have fucking guests, and you know what that means, more work, that book I got for my birthday turned out to be complete crap, the CD-player is broken and so is the playstation, Selphie stole my candy and on top of everything, I can't find my goddamned eyeliner."

Demyx sighed. He knew what was next.

"And don't call me 'Zexi'!" Zexion shouted.

Demyx considered whether or not to say "but you are". After a while he decided to say it, only because it would make his darling pissed off, and he was so adorable when he tried to look angry.

-

Sora opened his eyes and looked over at the clock on the wall. 3.15. Huh? How could it be a quarter past three when it wasn't even dark. Wait, 3.15 didn't mean 3.15 pm, did it? Did it?

"Sora, you have got to be the sleepiest person in the whole world," Riku said and threw a pillow at his boyfriend. "No wonder I never get any sex."

**-------**

**Yes, more shameless quote-abuse! There will be so much quoting and twisting famous words in this story :)**

**Matt Bellamy is God. Well, _a_ god, anyway. There are lots of gods, you know. Among others: Rufus Wainwright (god of music and adorable gay-ness), Matt Bellamy (of music and angsty lyrics), Thom Yorke (of music, especially amazing singing), Robert Smith (of music and beautiful lyrics), Alex Turner (and the rest of the guys from Arctic Monkeys) (of music and the one of most awesome accents on the planet), the guys from Franz Ferdinand (of music and general awesomeness), Jack White (of music and genius), Tim Burton (of movies, genius and gothic-ish fairytales), Johnny Depp (of pirates, acting and sexiness), Jake Gyllenhaal (of sexiness and gay cowboys). **

**I think the French phrases are correct, but I'm not 100 sure. Please don't kill me if they're wrong. _"Ces anglais stupides. Je ne comprends pas un mot!" _means _"These stupid English. I don't understand a word!" _and _"Elle dit: 'Vous ne parlez pas beaucoup anglais, princesse?'"_ means _"She said: You don't speak very much English, princess?"_  
**

**I was planning on a few more funny situations in this chapter, but then it would most likely have ended up with about six pages, and I didn't want that. **

**I suck at crack-fics. Therefore, I need suggestions. I promise that unless the suggestions totally ruin my plot (well, plot might be a too strong word, but I do have some plans for this), I'll use them. Come on guys, I need you! **


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